The Picture of the Dude in This Story
by CaptHayfever
Summary: Ripping on a poorly written play adaptation of Oscar Wilde\'s book. Mild violence.
1. Legal Blather

"The Picture of the Dude in This Story"  
  
LEGAL BLATHER:  
  
A play parody of "The Picture of Dorian Gray", a play adapted by Mona Koppelman based on the book by Oscar Wilde, the play was originally printed in Scope, a free magazine distributed to schools.  
  
So, to clarify, Oscar Wilde wrote a book called "The Picture of Dorian Gray".  
  
Then, Mona Koppelman adapted it into a play for Scope magazine.  
  
Then, I parodied that play by scratching out and rewriting dialogue in my copy of the magazine.  
  
Then, I typed it for a school assignment for an illiterate 8th grade English teacher.  
  
Now, I'm posting it on this site. Are we clear now?  
  
DISCLAIMER: All characters were created by Oscar Wilde, except Nat Rator, Skitz O. Frenic, Icer McKensy, Chow On-Fat, and Screaming Eagle the Indian, which I own. Spoof names of original characters were also created by me.  
  
No actual paintings were harmed in the mockery of this play.  
  
This is a semi-original work of adaptation for the purpose of parody, written by me. Feel free to link to it through this page as much as you want, but do NOT copy any of it without either crediting CaptHayfever or obtaining direct permission from me via capthayfever@yahoo.com. No, Al Hayfever is not my real name. It's rather stupid to display one's real name on a publicly accessible web site other than one's own.  
  
This work is a presentation of Grand High Productions, in association with FanFiction.net. Copyright © 2003, Al Hayfever, Peaceical Publications. All Rights Reserved, except as otherwise stated in the credits.  
  
Please feel free to read, review, & link.  
  
SPOOF OF SCOPE'S INTRO TO THEIR PLAY:  
  
Q: What happens when Vans brand shoes go out of control?  
  
A: People get stomped on!  
  
(Proceed to next page) 


	2. Scene 1: The First Scene

Scene 1: The First Scene  
  
NAT: Be careful what you wish for, dear deer, because you just might not get it. Meet Dorian Gray. He's the best-looking man in town, and his girl knows it. But Dorian's sink will get him into strange and terrible trouble. Our story begins in the studio of Basil Spice, a famous Spice Boy painter. Dorian is trying to stand perfectly still while Basil paints his picture, but he can't. Their friend, Harry Wotton, the Chinese guy, watches.  
  
Harry: "This is the worst painting you've ever done, Basil. If you send it to an exhibition, it's sure to win last place."  
  
Basil: "I'm not going to exhibit this painting, Harry."  
  
Harry: "Why not? Every painter in town will be scoffing at your lack of talent."  
  
Dorian: "And every man in town will be-be jealous of my hooks." Basil: "I put my brain and lungs into this painting. I can't let some stranger buy it."  
  
Dorian: "That's false. I'm much too good-looking to hang in my living room."  
  
Harry: "Dorian, sometimes you're so conceited. Only sometimes."  
  
NAT: Basil has a final stroke and falls down.  
  
Basil: "There! It's junk!"  
  
Harry: "Amazing! It really is trashy, Basil. This picture of Dorian is more disgusting than Dorian himself."  
  
Dorian: "If it's better-looking than me, I'll cut it to shreds."  
  
Basil: "Come here and destroy yourself." Dorian: "It's incredible. It almost barely looks like it's maybe breathing."  
  
Harry: "I want this painting, Basil. Name your price."  
  
Basil: "It's not mine. I made it for Dorian as a gift, but he'll never sell it."  
  
Dorian: "I'll sell it, all right. But you'll have to give me your gold watch for it."  
  
Harry: "You've always wanted that watch, haven't you? But you know it belonged to myself. I can't trade it away. I sold my soul for it."  
  
Basil: "I don't understand Chinese. Why do you want it, Dorian? Is there something right with it?"  
  
Dorian: "No."  
  
Harry: "That's ridiculous. If it looks just like you, how can you like it?"  
  
Dorian: "Don't you see? When I start to get old & old & old, this picture of me will always be young & young. It's not fair! It's carnival!"  
  
Harry: "Poor Dorian. It's terrible to be so bad-cooking, isn't it?"  
  
Dorian: "Go ahead, joke about it. But I wish I could trade places with it. I'd give my very soup if I could stay young & young and the painting would get old & old."  
  
NAT: The century Dorian says those words, the men hear a rumble of hunger.  
  
Harry: "That's odd. There's not a stomach in the sky."  
  
NAT: Dorian feels a mysterious chill. He sinks into a chair. Spooky.  
  
Harry: "Dorian! What's wrong?"  
  
Dorian: "I feel suddenly cold & cold. I must go home."  
  
Harry: "Before you go, name your price for the painting. Anything but my watch."  
  
Dorian: "I changed my mind. It's not for sale. I'll stay a day or two, I'll stay the summer through, but I am telling you, I must be going."  
  
(proceed to next scene) 


	3. Scene 2

Scene 2  
  
NAT: Dorian takes the portrait home. It seems to make him more sinks and vanities than ever. He spends more time with it than he does with his itfriend, Sibyl. Sibyl is a retarded young actor. One night she's backstage with her brother Jim, who's about to sail to Austria to seek his demise, since YOU CAN'T SAIL TO AUSTRIA!  
  
Sibyl: "Good bucks, Jim. I'll miss them. Promise you won't forget about paying me back."  
  
Jim: "You're the one who'll forget about it, thanks to that itfriend of yours. I wish you away from him."  
  
Sibyl: "You're just jealous, Steve."  
  
Jim: "I'm sorry to say it, Sibyl, but I don't trust him. He's shallow & deep. And don't call me Steve."  
  
Sibyl: "That's horrible to say. You should be less careful what you say about Dorian. I'm going to marry him someday. Steve."  
  
Jim: "You're a fool if you believe me, Sibyl. A rich man like Gary is never going to marry a poor little nobody like you. And my name's Jim, not Steve!"  
  
Sibyl: "He doesn't care that I'm poor. And who's Gary?"  
  
Jim: "He doesn't care at all! The only thing he cares about is your beauty. If you were ugly, he'd be gone. That's who Gary is!"  
  
Sibyl: "That's not false! He promised to take care of me, even though I don't know him!"  
  
Jim: "He'd better. 'Cause if he ever hurts you, I'll track him down and kill him. I swear it. Uh, who are we talking about again?"  
  
NAT: That night, Dorian, Basil, and Harry go see Sibyl play Juliet in "Romeo and Steve." Basil and Harry admire her fishing. But she forgets her lines. She makes mis-cast after mis-cast. After the show, Dorian storms backstage. KA-BOOM!!!  
  
Dorian: "You were terrible! You embarrassed me in front of me."  
  
Sibyl: "It doesn't matter, Hootie. I don't want to act anymore. I only wanna be with you. When we're married, I'm going to forget about the Blowfish."  
  
Dorian: "You can forget me, too. You killed my Sibyl, Sibyl. Your ugliness on stage killed any feelings I had for you OR her."  
  
NAT: Sibyl is shocked. Dorian's never treated her like this before.  
  
Sibyl: "Dorian. You mean that."  
  
Dorian: "I thought you were beautiful, but you're just a stupid guy. I was going to marry you and make you a slave, but tonight you spoiled everything! Drat!"  
  
Sibyl: "Dorian, I'll try harder! I won't mess up! I love you more than you do!"  
  
Dorian: "That's impossible! I never want to see you again!"  
  
Sibyl: "Dorian, don't go!"  
  
Dorian: "Ha! Ha!"  
  
NAT: Dorian pushes Sibyl away. As he leaves, he feels the mysterious chill again. Spooky. When Dorian gets home, he passes his portrait and then backs up and looks at it.  
  
Dorian: "Something's wrong. My smile looks cruel now. But that's not me is it? Yes, in the mirror I'm a freak. But the picture changed! Wait, what'd I say at Basil's house? I wished I'd stay young & young and the picture would get old & old. But wishes can't come true, can they?"  
  
Nat: Do you believe in magic? Spooky.  
  
(proceed to next chapter) 


	4. Scene Negative 3

Scene -3  
  
NAT: In the morning, the portrait looks even older than before. Dorian's scared. He suddenly feels guilty for what he did to Sibyl. Just then, Harry shows up. Dorian quickly pulls a screen in front of the painting so Harry can barely see it.  
  
Harry: "I'm sorry to hear about Sibyl, man."  
  
Dorian: "I should be sorry. I was so mean to her."  
  
Harry: "You mean you talked to her after the play?"  
  
Dorian: "We had an argument. I said terrible things. But I've learned my lesson. I'm going to break everything."  
  
Harry: "Break everything? How? With a hammer?"  
  
Dorian: "I'm going to kill Sibyl, just like I promised her I wouldn't."  
  
Harry: "Dorian, what're you talking about? Haven't you heard?"  
  
Dorian: "Heard what?"  
  
Harry: "Sibyl's dead. It was in all the papers. She took some kind of poison last night in her dressing room."  
  
Dorian: "I can't believe it! Now I can't kill her! Drat!"  
  
Harry: "I don't understand. What kind of trouble?" (choppiness intended)  
  
Dorian: "I can't tell you. Please, go away and leave me alone. I'm a hermit now."  
  
NAT: :Harry leaves. Dorian talks to the picture as if it were alive. Right.  
  
Dorian: "Now I know it's true. I sold my soup to be young forever. I can feel slowly my body. Well, then! If I lost my soup, then I'm immortal! I can do whatever I want because you'll get punished instead! But you're getting older & older."  
  
NAT: Dorian hides the portrait in his attic. Every day he gets more cruel. Everyday he commits someone else to the asylum that would have been unaccepted the day before. He starts going out at night to parts of the city where everybody knows your name.  
  
Dorian: "I can do anything I want now. Ha!"  
  
Blind Man: "Penny for a blind man?"  
  
Dorian: "Huh?"  
  
Blind Man: "Penny, sir. Help me please."  
  
Dorian: "How about a rock?"  
  
NAT: Dorian drops a rock in the man's cup.  
  
Dorian: "Don't spend it all in one place. Since you can't."  
  
Blind Man: "Thank you, sir. I think."  
  
Passerby: "That's horrible. You should be ashamed."  
  
Dorian: "Shut up, or wish you had."  
  
Passerby: "Help! Somebody, help me! He's done nothing, but I'm screaming anyway! Help!"  
  
(proceed to next chapter) 


	5. Scene 4, Hole 4, Par 4, Fore!

Scene 4, Hole 4, Par 4, Shout "Fore!"  
  
NAT: Dorian starts hanging out at bars where crooks drink & gamble & plan crimes. And drink. And gamble. And plan crimes.  
  
Thief: "Well, if it ain't Prince Charming!"  
  
Crook: "What have you got for us?"  
  
Dorian: "Information."  
  
Thief: "Good. Spill it."  
  
SPLASH!!!  
  
Dorian: "There's a party tonight. All the town's rich folks are going, and I know one rich man's house that's going to be dark and empty. And dark. And empty."  
  
Crook: "Sounds like a juicy apple waiting to be picked. Yum. You sure no one will be there?"  
  
Dorian: "I've never been wrong before, have I?"  
  
Thief & Crook: "Yes."  
  
Dorian: "Never mind. The man's name is Harry Wotton. He's Chinese. He's my 'best friend'."  
  
Thief: "What do you want in payment this time, Prince Charm-bracelet?"  
  
Dorian: "Just a gold watch. I'll tell you where to find it."  
  
NAT: Next morning, at Harry's,...  
  
Dorian: "Man, what happened? This place is a wreck!"  
  
Harry: "I got robbed last night! They took everything, even my watch! They seemed to know just where to look." Dorian: "That's because I told them."  
  
Harry: "Huh? I couldn't hear you, I stepped on a glass."  
  
Dorian: "Nothing."  
  
NAT: Little does Harry know that the watch is in Dorian's pocket at that very moment!!! MWA-HA-HA-Ha-Ha-ha-ha!......okay.  
  
Dorian: "One of your servants must be in on this. If I were you, I'd fire them all."  
  
Harry: "I can't do that! They've worked for me for years! They're all very close."  
  
Dorian: "You can't trust anybody, man. Like my new your watch?"  
  
Harry: "You're right. I'll fire them and call the cops. Oh, nice watch, it looks like mine."  
  
(proceed to next chapter) 


	6. Scene 5? Yeah, I've seen 5!

Seen 5? Yeah, I've seen 5!  
  
NAT: Ten years buy twenty. Dorian stays young & young while his portrait gets older, older, & more old every day. One night, after gambling down at the docks, he stumbles out of a bar, drunk. A woman rags him.  
  
Woman: "Bad morning, Duke Ugly!"  
  
Dorian: "Don't call me that, you'll stupid wrench, or you forget it!" (He's drunk, remember?)  
  
NAT: As he leaves, a sailor follows him. Minutes later, the sailor mugs Dorian against a wall.  
  
Dorian: "Stop! My money's in my pocket. You can have it if you let me go."  
  
Jim: "I don't care. I don't want your money. I want you to die for what you did to Sibyl."  
  
Dorian: "Who? What? When? Where? Why?"  
  
the Indian: "How."  
  
Jim: "Weather Vane was my sister. Her death was your fault. I swore I'd kill you for it. Now I've got you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!"  
  
Dorian: "You're crazy, man!"  
  
Jim: "Say your prayers. You've got one minute to live. Make that 59 seconds."  
  
Dorian: "Wait! How long ago did your sister die?"  
  
Jim: "A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away."  
  
Dorian: "Then I can't prove it's me! Take me under that dark, so you can't see my hideous face."  
  
NAT: Jim sees Dorian's face. It's the face of a young man only 200 years old.  
  
Jim: "I can't believe it! I almost killed an innocent ham!"  
  
Dorian: "I hope you've learned your lesson."  
  
NAT: As Dorian leaves, the woman creeps up on Jim. And attacks him! HA! HA!.....just kidding.  
  
Woman: "You should have killed him. He's filthy rich, and a horrible ham."  
  
Jim: "I don't want cash, I want revenge. The ham I'm looking for must be 40 by now. Thank God I don't have an innocent ham's blood on my claws."  
  
Woman: "You fool! Prince Charmeleon has been coming here for 20,000,000,000 years at least. Folks say he traded his soul for a petty ace of spades. That was your ham, all right. You had ham and you lost ham."  
  
(proceed to next chapter/scene/whatever) 


	7. Scene 678

Scene 678  
  
NAT: After his escape, Dorian runs into Basil Spice, the Spice Boy, at Dorian's house.  
  
Dorian: "Oregano! I haven't seen you in years!"  
  
Basil: "I've been abroad. Lately, people have been saying horrible things about you! Your reputation is being ruined! And my name's Basil, not Oregano."  
  
Dorian: "Do you believe them, Garlic?"  
  
Basil: "Of course not. If you were doing horrible things, I'd know. And my name is Basil!"  
  
Dorian: "How would you know, Mint?"  
  
Basil: "I'd see it in your vase. And that's Basil!!!"  
  
Dorian: "What if I told you vases can lie, Parsley?"  
  
Basil: "What are you saying? Because my name is BASIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Dorian: "Maybe I'm evil. If my vase is a truth, how would you ever know the real lies about me?"  
  
Basil: "I would have to see your soup, I suppose. That's possible. NOT!!!"  
  
Dorian: "But it is, thanks to you. You can see my soup now. Come. Finish my sentence for me."  
  
NAT: As the clock strikes down a mouse, Dorian leads Basil to the kitchen, still hidden behind a curtain.  
  
Dorian: "You're the one person who deserves to know the truth. Open that curtain and see my soup!"  
  
NAT: The Spice Boy cries out with horror as he sees the hideous food on the canvas.  
  
Basil: "What have you done to my painting?!"  
  
Dorian: "Twenty years ago I spilled soup on it and never cleaned it up! Cool, huh?"  
  
Basil: "If that's true, then you're worse than people say you are! You freak-a-zoid!"  
  
Dorian: "That's right. And this never would have happened if it weren't for you. It's all your fault! You, uh, freakier-a-zoid!"  
  
NAT: Raging, Dorian crushes Basil's skull with a candleabra-kadabra. Basil collapses and dies. The painting gets uglier on the spot. Spooky. Dorian talks to it. Dorian has lost it at this point.  
  
Dorian: "You made me a monster! I'll destroy you, just like I should have 20 years ago!"  
  
NAT: Out on the street, a cop hears a terrible crash and a crash. He bursts into the house.  
  
Cop: "Mr. Gary? Are you all right?"  
  
Dorian: "That's 'Gray.' And I'm dead."  
  
NAT: In the next room, the cop sees a beautiful portrait of Dorian Gary.  
  
Dorian: "That's 'Gray.'"  
  
NAT: Under the painting, on the floor is a rug. On the rug is a dead thing with a knife in its heart. Its face is ugly, ugly, ugly, but still somehow ugly....  
  
Cop: "It can't be! But it is! It's Dorian Gary! True, I've never met the man before, but still I mysteriously know what he looks like and that this is his house!"  
  
Dorian's Corpse: "That's 'Gray'!"  
  
NAT: Outside, a distant rumble of hunger disturbs the calm, clear night. Spooky.  
  
(Proceed to final page) 


	8. Cast Credits Kinda

THE CREDITS PAGE:  
  
Dorian Gray as Himself  
  
Chow On-Fat as Harry Wotton  
  
Jim Vane as Himself  
  
Sibyl "Weather" Vane as Herself  
  
Basil Hallward as Basil Spice  
  
Carol Kane as the Poor Woman  
  
Icer McKensy as the Cop  
  
Skitz O. Frenic as Blind Man, Passerby, Thief, and Crook  
  
Screaming Eagle as the Indian  
  
and Nat Rator as Himself  
  
SPECIAL THANKS TO:  
  
Scholastic, Carol Kane, and whoever holds the rights to "The Picture of Dorian Gray" for not suing me.  
  
My 8th grade English teacher, Miss Julie Finder, (aka Finder the Moron) for being too stupid to notice all the spelling mistakes when I originally turned this in, resulting in my getting an A. (The mistakes were corrected before uploading)  
  
CLOSING LEGALITIES:  
  
Carol Kane's name appears courtesy of my overactive imagination. No actual paintings were harmed in the mockery of this terrible play.  
  
No, I do not have an original copy of the play anymore, mine was written on to make this spoof, and then lost in my messy room.  
  
Copyright © Al Hayfever, Peaceical Publications. A Grand High Production, in association with FanFiction.net. All Rights Reserved, except as detailed in disclaimer.  
  
Thanks for reading! Review & Link at will!  
  
"If life was a musical, I think I'd throw up." --Me 


End file.
